Craving, longing, addiction

Yesterday marked a week since I stopped. I thought I'd be able to rid myself of the feelings with a period of abstinence, which is true but I guess only to a point. Now what bothers me is that nobody noticed what I've done. There's been no contact even though you'd think they'd want to know what happened. That alone bothers me. Maybe I should not have been so strict in my block of contact (quite literally actually). I guess I tried shielding myself while expecting somebody to stop me. Wishful thinking I know. Then again it just goes to show that I was quite mistaken in the relationship we had, which is sad. With the amount of effort that I put into it and the responses that I received, you'd think there would be more of a response now. Then again where is the surprise? This is nothing new, nothing that I couldn't predict.

The thing that bothers me and has bothered me the whole time is that I was replaced. Replaced with something (in my opinion) of much lesser value. In fact I feel disgusted that that could be a possible replacement for me. That is like the biggest insult ever. Yet a day goes by and the collected feelings of being wronged are washed way, replaced by wonder if it was something I did, my fault.

I feel like this is a never ending story. I keep cycling over it day after day. Sure a week of abstinence has cleared my mind and removed certain parts of the expectations, yet I don't think a day has gone by in the past week when I didn't, even for a moment, think about it. I know what the problem is. The problem is that it's filling that empty space in my head and until I replace it I won't be able to fall upon anything else. No matter how much time has gone by.

Battling regret on the side is tough. Technically I don't regret a single action I took but I do wish it would have worked out differently. I'm pretty sure I've exhausted this resource and yet I keep expecting something more out of it. As though one day it will change its mind and it will workout like I pictured it.

I know I will refill that void sooner or later, I'm just hoping it will be sooner rather than later.


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