Anxiety

On a scale of 1-10, one being incredibly impatient and 10 being a rock, I’m about a 3. Or perhaps it’s not so much impatiens as it is anxiety. Because I’m pretty sure impatiens doesn’t cause the “oh my god I’ve swallowed a zillion butterflies” feeling.

In any case this feeling annoys me because I’m struggling to control it. I mean I know well enough what is at the root of the anxiety. I can totally understand why what I’m failing to control is irrational and it’s as though I have no say in it. I guess this is the way a person’s rough edges get smoothed out, how you learn to cope with different types of stresses. I mean after all that is how we learn, we stress about something, waiting for an outcome. Once the outcome comes we can reflect back and see if all that stressing was really worth it. Well I’m definitely hoping the outcome is good, because I really like this girl. Yes I know perhaps I am too impressionable and I get my hopes up too quickly but damn it, I can’t help myself.

It is kind of freaky when you spend time creating an ideal image of something you’d want to achieve, be it a new car, a mate or whatever. Then when you actually get a chance to obtain that something that fits your ideals so amazingly well you can’t help but want to latch on and not let go, figuratively speaking. Now what happens when you’re fully willing to make a move towards your idealistic goal and you can’t. At least not right away, be it because of schedule differences or whatever. Well that is how I’m feeling at the moment. I feel held back, restrained but oh so willing to do something. I’m having these relentless thoughts about not messing this up.  Obviously I’m building this pressure myself.

There is this so called remedy for this situation. At least that is what I like to think. Since I’m flying to Toronto this weekend to participate in a Microsoft competition I won’t be around for the weekend. That is why I decided that when I come back on Sunday, hopefully I’ll get a chance to talk with her and ask her out to grab some coffee or something during the upcoming week. Yes I could fully well do that right now, but for one reason or another I think making plans for something that is going to be possible at least a week away is risky. Of course the other side of me keeps urging me to act now before I loose my opportunity. I suppose that side has a point because I know I’d hate it if I messed up my shot with her just because I waited 3 extra days to ask her out.

The upside is of course that she seems as interested in me as I am in her (minus all the crazy obsessive thoughts I’m having lol). She has, from what I understand hinted at meeting, indirectly but still, so I think it is all good. With the exception that I keep coming back to I should act now rather than later. Now as I type this, some part of me comes up with another good point, considering I really only met her this week I definitely don’t want to come off as desperate. I really am kind of desperate to meet with her but she doesn’t need to know that.

Point being is that it is pretty damn hard to control you desires for somebody who you have theorized about for a long time. I realize that this is slightly a wrong approach to the situation, because by putting so much value and meaning into this will only hinder it’s progress. That is exactly why I hope that this kind of venting and discussion with no one will help me to control my rogue emotions.

I have a theory as to where such emotions form with in me. I kind of fear failure, the thought of losing my chance with something because of a silly mistake is a painful idea. However I have to believe in the ultimate. I have to believe that no matter what happens it will work out for the best, I will have learned a lesson. Sometimes things just weren’t meant to be. I must, like I’ve written before, accept failure as something that will ultimately help me find all that I seek.  If it so happens that because I did not ask her out sooner that she lost all interest in me then I’m pretty sure we didn’t have as strong as a connection as I thought.

We will have to see where this leads and what develops of this beautiful opportunity that I have stumbled upon.

Yougurt

I was just eating my daily dose of two Danone Creamy yogurts when something extraordinary happened.

You know when you put jam or cream cheese on bread only to later drop it by accident? Well what happens? The bread lands with the spread to the floor. I’m sure there is some scientific explanation as to how the jam tips the balance ratio and the bread twirls and lands on the jam but I’m really not one to care. However today I managed to defy that law.

I opened up my yogurt and put the top covering to the side while I ate the yogurt. Once I was done I reached for the top, to lick off the yogurt on it before chucking it in the can. But the yogurt covered top slipped out of my hand and raced to the floor. As I saw it tumble through the air I had become prepared for the worst. To my surprise the top landed with the yogurt covered side up.

That is how I discovered the hand of God. 😀

And people say there is no higher power at work all around us. 😀

In Hindsight

Yesterday I took my girlfriend out to a nice restaurant. Everything was perfect, we were seated at a nice quite table. She was holding my hands in hers. A moment to remember.

Then she asked me if I thought we would be together forever. In hindsight …

Read the rest of this entry »

Diamond

How do you act when you’ve found something that you’ve been searching for? Something that would make life easier, less stressful and make you happy. You’re not sure if you think this is destiny, in fact you try to talk yourself out of that idea, fearing that it will jinx your chances of obtaining it. You can’t sit still because you are so anxious to act. You try to research as much as possible about it, making sure you’re not being fooled into a bad deal. All the while realizing that you’re being probably quite naive for feeling this way. Wishing you could take your own advice. You know the protocol and how such things should handled, but that doesn’t guarantee anything for you. You lose a night of sleep unintentionally dreaming about it. You begin to lift it onto an unreachable pedestal, making it seem like a huge deal. That in turn creates more anxiety and uncertainty at how to proceed. When you first saw it, you were cocky and confident. Upon further inspection you begin to wonder how good your chances really are at getting away with it. You tell yourself everything will be ok and things always work out for the best. You have already played out various scenarios in your head of how it will all go down. You really don’t enjoying doing that because you’ve noticed that in the past that has lead to disappointment. However it is like you are possessed by an evil twin who just must play out all the scenarios, maybe even just to annoy you. Of course you don’t object as your imagination starts to run wild, imagining just how great it could be.

Next thing you know you’ve missed your chance and you can chalk up another failure.

No easy task

My uncle and I had an interesting conversation over the weekend about Tibet, super human powers and the like. I recall him saying, “had we spent all our time understanding and controlling our bodies like we spend years sitting in front on the computer, of course we too would be making ground breaking discoveries”. I obviously agree, if my job was to meditate each day trying to discover how I could program myself, developing my mind and the ‘self’, the world would have great results.

Some say that is what the inhabitants of Atlantis had reached, they had reached unparalleled levels universal control. We spend the majority of our lives trying to figure out what it is that we want in life and spend the rest of the time seeking to obtain it. Of course that is no easy task. Self control and understanding why you think the thoughts that you think, why you feel one emotion or another and most importantly how you can obtain control of your own reins.

You know those times when you feel anxious or worried or depressed, your logical side knows you are being irrational but you simply can’t help your own emotional feelings. We often seek advice during those times. Not always but quite often the advice that we get from others really refreshes our outlook and helps us move past some obstacle. A lot of the time the advice is something we already knew but somehow we don’t take ourselves seriously, somebody else has to say it. They say that the confident ones simply don’t give time to those emotionally consuming thoughts, instead believing that they will solve themselves in time.

In fact the whole problem with lack of confidence is that lack of confidence is not because you have not enough of something, but because you have too much of something else. Lack of confidence creates those uneasy feelings, that echoing feeling in your mind that discourages your most ambitious thoughts.

Some of us are more emotional than others, letting our emotions run more rampant. People like that tend to put a lot of meaning into situations, signals and responses. In a way they are simply more fine tuned, able to pick up on the slightest cues. Unfortunately it becomes really easy to be trapped and obsessed with some ideas in your head, not knowing how to rid your mind of them. That is why shift of a focus is so important, as well as keeping the mind occupied and busy. Not only does it give you a clearer picture allowing you to reflect and perhaps see your thoughts and feelings in a different light but it also is much healthier. A lot of people do exactly that and don’t realize it, a lot of us are always on the run from ourselves.

There are a lot of ideas that don’t help us, usually causing more stress and anxiety. For example the notion that failure is a bad thing. That is probably one of the most fundamental influential ideas of our time. In reality of course, failure and success are neither bad nor good. Success is typically associated with joy, confidence and happiness where as failure is assumed to feel opposite. It is of course hard to succeed in life when you spend a lot of time fearing, avoiding something that is the stepping stone to success. A lot of us are afraid of failure, we seem to think that we just got on the bike one day and started to ride it. The only difference between riding a bike and asking a girl out, or make a presentation in front of an audience or whatever else it might be, is that we now as adults (or maturing adults) put too much emphasis on it. We see it as a bar very high in the sky that will determine the rest of our lives. When in reality we must simply be happy with what we have today and accept failure as a just another scraped knee that didn’t hold us back from getting back on the bike.

A lot of people cut down religion, atheists are paving the way all around. However religion teaches something that you won’t find anywhere else, faith. Blind utter faith, faith without reason, faith without result. Faith and those who truly know how to believe in something are happy now, instead of later. Their faith brings them solace, making the end result irrelevant. That is something we should all learn to do, because it ties in with control one’s own emotions. People of faith are able to, without external stimulus, feel happy and satisfied now, rather than later. A very powerful skill.

We can’t allow our emotions, our fears and insecurities control how we progress through time. Yes they are all part of us but they do not define us. We must remember that no matter what we are experiencing on the inside, we have allowed ourselves to feel, we hold the ultimate control.

Girls

It’s funny what you find on the internet. Since the internet is filled with a lot of self conscious geeks, articles like this make a mark.

It is a funny article, but the best part is at the end in italics.

[Update: for those people who commented that someone who writes tripe like this has never spoken to a girl, you are nearly correct. I haven’t spoken to a hot girl at a party in eleven years, or interviewed a bikini model, because my hot wife wont let me. When she saw this silly post last night she commented, “That gave me a migraine. I’m going to bed.”]

After that I realized just how sad the majority of the male population is (at least on the web?). Most of us them probably have had or are having chick problems. So to compensate for their lack of “loving” they accuse every guy on the internet, who hasn’t posted a photo of himself with a hot chick, that he is full of shit and that he’s never even talked to a girl.

Of course they are just shooting blanks, blindly hoping that their insults will actually hit their mark, exposing a lonely geek. In reality of course they are just trying to compensate for their own lameness by trying to find out if their are the only lonely ones.

When should you settle

First I would like to say that I am quite aware of my lack of presence. I’ve been in a not so “let’s write about it” kind of mood. Not that I’m feeling bad, because I’m definitely not, just haven’t had the motivation to dwell on things.

However today’s installment is about figuring out when to settle for something. Personally I have a hard time with this idea. I seem to reside in two extremes. I can be completely accepting of whatever comes my way, all the while feeling like I really deserve more. On the other hand I can be very picky and not settle until I’m satisfied, all the while doubting my chances at success and wondering if maybe I should settle for something short of the goal. That is why I now pose a question, when do you settle and when you do push on?

I suppose there will always be those that say that you shouldn’t settle no matter what (sup Paul). Others will remark that knowing when you’re ahead and it is time to quit is quite important. But what if  you don’t feel like you’re ahead and you don’t want to settle, what then?

Maybe this ties in somehow to the well known commitment phenomenon that guys experience. The issue is not so much commitment as it is commitment to the need of possible future commitment.