Anxiety

On a scale of 1-10, one being incredibly impatient and 10 being a rock, I’m about a 3. Or perhaps it’s not so much impatiens as it is anxiety. Because I’m pretty sure impatiens doesn’t cause the “oh my god I’ve swallowed a zillion butterflies” feeling.

In any case this feeling annoys me because I’m struggling to control it. I mean I know well enough what is at the root of the anxiety. I can totally understand why what I’m failing to control is irrational and it’s as though I have no say in it. I guess this is the way a person’s rough edges get smoothed out, how you learn to cope with different types of stresses. I mean after all that is how we learn, we stress about something, waiting for an outcome. Once the outcome comes we can reflect back and see if all that stressing was really worth it. Well I’m definitely hoping the outcome is good, because I really like this girl. Yes I know perhaps I am too impressionable and I get my hopes up too quickly but damn it, I can’t help myself.

It is kind of freaky when you spend time creating an ideal image of something you’d want to achieve, be it a new car, a mate or whatever. Then when you actually get a chance to obtain that something that fits your ideals so amazingly well you can’t help but want to latch on and not let go, figuratively speaking. Now what happens when you’re fully willing to make a move towards your idealistic goal and you can’t. At least not right away, be it because of schedule differences or whatever. Well that is how I’m feeling at the moment. I feel held back, restrained but oh so willing to do something. I’m having these relentless thoughts about not messing this up.  Obviously I’m building this pressure myself.

There is this so called remedy for this situation. At least that is what I like to think. Since I’m flying to Toronto this weekend to participate in a Microsoft competition I won’t be around for the weekend. That is why I decided that when I come back on Sunday, hopefully I’ll get a chance to talk with her and ask her out to grab some coffee or something during the upcoming week. Yes I could fully well do that right now, but for one reason or another I think making plans for something that is going to be possible at least a week away is risky. Of course the other side of me keeps urging me to act now before I loose my opportunity. I suppose that side has a point because I know I’d hate it if I messed up my shot with her just because I waited 3 extra days to ask her out.

The upside is of course that she seems as interested in me as I am in her (minus all the crazy obsessive thoughts I’m having lol). She has, from what I understand hinted at meeting, indirectly but still, so I think it is all good. With the exception that I keep coming back to I should act now rather than later. Now as I type this, some part of me comes up with another good point, considering I really only met her this week I definitely don’t want to come off as desperate. I really am kind of desperate to meet with her but she doesn’t need to know that.

Point being is that it is pretty damn hard to control you desires for somebody who you have theorized about for a long time. I realize that this is slightly a wrong approach to the situation, because by putting so much value and meaning into this will only hinder it’s progress. That is exactly why I hope that this kind of venting and discussion with no one will help me to control my rogue emotions.

I have a theory as to where such emotions form with in me. I kind of fear failure, the thought of losing my chance with something because of a silly mistake is a painful idea. However I have to believe in the ultimate. I have to believe that no matter what happens it will work out for the best, I will have learned a lesson. Sometimes things just weren’t meant to be. I must, like I’ve written before, accept failure as something that will ultimately help me find all that I seek.  If it so happens that because I did not ask her out sooner that she lost all interest in me then I’m pretty sure we didn’t have as strong as a connection as I thought.

We will have to see where this leads and what develops of this beautiful opportunity that I have stumbled upon.

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